Its just been a week since I am off my antidepressants. You read it right. I was on antidepressants from last two years for Major Depressive disorder. Now I am so thrilled that finally, I am off the medications. You might be wondering why am I being so public about it. Well, I have my reasons. Honestly, it feels very awkward, sharing what I am sharing even now when I am writing this. But, I know I have to do this.
Since always, I have been a borderline introvert. A quiet, well-behaved normal individual for my acquaintances and a classic freak for my close ones. My life overall has always been good. I have wonderful, loving parents, wonderful life-partner and best of friends. On the career front, by and large, I did achieve what I thought of. I am very passionate about painting, writing, and cooking, and I always find time to do it. To sum it up, everything is picture perfect in my life. No tragedy whatsoever. Well, yet, I suffered from Major Depressive Disorder. A tragedy in itself! Here is my first reason for writing this article- I want you all to know that Depression can hit anyone. Not necessarily only those who have had a broken family, or a bad break up or a financial or academic crisis will have depression. It can affect anyone, just as it happened to me. Just that the latter are more prone.
The place where I was two years back, I frankly never want to go there. Even trying to remember what it felt like, gives chills down my spine. And, the worst part about it- No amount of words can describe that nasty feeling. That’s the thing about depression! If you had a broken leg instead, describing your pain would be easier, in-fact not necessary at all! Alas, depression does not come with an exposed wound for the world to see. Here is my second reason- I want to tell you that, you never know what the other person is dealing with. Be nice and kind. Always.
The pain and suffering I dealt with were so overwhelming that even as trivial thing such as breathing air was too much for me. You can thus imagine why I didn’t eat, bathe or combed my hair for days together. An utter turmoil going on inside with two voices, my very own voices, fighting relentlessly. One would say,” You are worthless, stupid and a burden to all. You have no right to stay alive. GO DIE!” The other one, “No. No. This is just a phase. It shall pass. Your family loves you. You have a lot of things to do. Hold on. Have faith. Everything will be alright.” Until one day the saner one could no longer fight and I was on verge of giving up. Before giving up, with whatever strength left, I texted my boyfriend (who I am now married to!) that, “I need help. I don’t want to die.” and then I was taken to the hospital and put on medication. Here’s my next reason- Please know that Suicide is not an act. It’s a complication. Nobody wants to die. Understand this and be considerate. Also, If you are having trouble, please seek help. Ultimately it comes down to you. Only you can save yourself.
I was put on medication and had to attend counseling sessions. My symptoms got alleviated and I restarted my life. A tremendous amount of love, care, and support from my husband, my parents, and my friends helped me see the silver lining of the cloud. These few people taught me a hard-hitting lesson-My family and friends are precious. I am truly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. They taught me what unconditional love actually is! So here is my next reason- Always remember, Family is not the most important thing, its everything.
While I was on medication, I suffered from one of the side-effects of antidepressants and gained around 12 kgs of weight. This made me too uncomfortable and losing weight was all I had on my mind. As a result, I stopped taking my medication! A big mistake! I relapsed and I had to get admitted for it. Another lesson learned- “Accept who you are, that is what makes you beautiful”.
Today if I look back, I don’t see depression as a fault in my life! Now, in fact, I believe it is a blessing in disguise. It has made me stronger, bolder, confident and most importantly grateful for everything I have in my life.
So! By now you know my reasons for sharing my story of depression! It came and taught me a lot and I had to tell you what I learned . It made me brave enough and here is the proof! I am sharing this even it makes me feel awkward and vulnerable! It made me follow my dreams seriously. And thus I have been painting like I never did before! It made me confident enough and I have been writing more often. It made me loving and kind and grateful and hence, not only have I connected more with my family and friends, I have made a good connection with patients and utter strangers. Thus, final reason- Always know that whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.