Let’s try and be brief here – sometime around when I was 20-21, I just disintegrated. It was horrible, not all that surprising because I was an introverted randomly sad child, and well still brings tears back. I didn’t understand me or the world. Drove everyone else around me crazy because they couldn’t figure anything either. I had a couple of bad therapists (hint: don’t go to them if they ask you to change how you look just randomly haha). It was a pain trying to hold on every day – promising myself that it would be better today. It dissolved a little bit a couple of years later and left behind bad anxiety. The number of times I have cried in the washroom, the number of times I have been stuck in a mental rut, felt scared my heart palpitating and even wanted to hurt myself when I felt I did something majorly wrong.
This is going to be about what it felt like getting better, because that’s what I have learnt to focus on. Any case, landed in the right person’s office one day. It’s been much better since. It was so good to take time off everything, to put myself in the front. To cry and to laugh and to just be alone. I started doing more of those things that I liked, I thought a lot about what I liked. More importantly, I thought a lot about control. So many things to stress about: out of those how little we have control over. I started running – it helps so so so much when I just wake up feeling stressed! The little things always help – phone call home to my cute grandmother or picking up that coloring book. I still struggle. Some tendencies don’t die that easily. I still want to be perfect and I still have a LOT of fears but it seems a little less overwhelming when I don’t hate everything and everyone. It feels do-able. It feels okay to dream. Meditation seemed like it didn’t work for a long time. One year on, I need it to feel peaceful. It helps me take stock of things day to day.
I guess I would just say that there is no perfect way of being and it’s okay to let yourself be happy even when you are making mistakes. It really is. Life is too small to squander it away. Say thank you for what you have, be grateful for people who believe in you and work towards what you want.
Also, anybody who is reading and wondering about whether to seek help? Please do. I cannot recommend it enough. Do not postpone it by saying there is not enough time, you know? This is important enough to make time for. You are important. Don’t feel alone or isolated. Talk to anybody at all, a friend or family. Take care!